NIGHTPANTHER Or: How We’ve Sort of Lost Our Minds

Living in the world’s most advanced consumer economy comes with its share of absurdity. Everything is deliverable and everything is disposable. It is simply the way of our modern, frictionless life.

Somehow, though, I’ve only just caught on to the wild absurdity of body wash and shampoo scents.

Men, I’m particularly embarrassed for us. What do the marketing executives in charge of selling these products think of us? I will tell you.

The marketing executives of men’s grooming and care products think we are all morons. And they might be right.

There I was, shopping for shampoo, and I ran across scents for shampoo and body wash that included (as pictured) BEARGLOVE, KRAKENGARD, and NIGHTPATNTHER.

And, friends, I’m not proud of this, but I opened them up and smelled them all. As you know, this takes some effort. You have to open the bottle and then squeeze just a little to get a whiff without squeezing so much that you get a nose full of KRAKENGARD.

I was beyond curious. What does BEARGLOVE smell like? After smelling it there in the Kroger aisle? I still don’t know. Maybe it smells like every other cologne-ish man’s grooming product?

NIGHTPANTHER sounds like a Netflix true crime documentary about some sort of nocturnal criminal miscreant terrorizing a sorority or senior village.

Why are we buying this?

We all are. Because, if we’re honest, we really have no choice if we’re not in the garage making our own soap. Every bottle on the shelf features cardamom or aloe or charcoal (always activated) or sandalwood.

The ladies don’t get off much easier. Although they’re not buying shampoos that purport to smell like fictitious oceanic beasts, they are still getting snookered.

An alarming percentage of women’s products claim to basically be food you put on your face or hair. It seems they all include honey or rosemary or butter or lavender or sugar. My personal favorite literally calls itself “the moisture smoothie.,” featuring coconut, agave, and sweet almond milk.

It’s like while men are getting sold some fantasy of having killed a bear and made it into shampoo, women are being offered a calorie-free dessert to slather in their hair.

We’ve sort of lost our minds. But at least we’re aware of it. So let’s have a little fun.

Please look in your showers and comment with the most absurd “scent” in there - preferably with a description of what you think that scent should smell like.

As for me? Well, I ended up buying PURE SPORT-scented Head and Shoulders 2-in-1 shampoo the other day because 🤷‍♂️.

What should pure sport smell like? Sweat and gym socks? Leather and grass? Your guess is as good as mine. The reality is that it smells like every other man-shampoo I’ve ever had which, if nothing else, probably smells like nice bonuses for American marketing executives.

— KB