Values Stack

Pop quiz, hotshot.

Which of these things is most important?

Integrity

Connection

Excellence

Achievement

Efficiency

Relationship

Authenticity

Intimacy

Unity

Stewardship

Consistency

I get it. They’re all pretty important in their own way. But which is MOST important?

I recently got to the airport late due to some extenuating circumstances. As my ride pulled up to the curb to drop me off, my plane was starting to board. Additionally, I really (like, REALLY) had to pee.

I had the option of “holding it” while going through security, onto the train to my terminal, and down to my gate. I also could have chosen to pee before security, although it was impossible to know if I actually had extra time to take care of nature’s call.

If you think about it, I carried two competing values. Each carried a risk. In the first scenario, my personal dignity was in play. I was late because we had been stuck on the highway behind a major accident for five hours. And five hours is a long time to hold onto a full bladder. The last thing I wanted to do was wet myself in a long security line and be forced to sit in a puddle of my own shame on a cross-country flight.

Or, now that I think about it, was missing my flight the last thing I wanted to do? Because that was the risk of stopping to use the facilities. What good was it to make it to my gate feeling lighter and refreshed if the plane was already gone?

This is where a value stack comes into play. My choice was really a choice between personal dignity & traveling convenience.

Which did I value more? Because for all of the eye-rolling I do when decrying the false dichotomies littered around us in the modern discourse, this was a true choice.

And you make them every day.

In fact, I’d argue that every choice you make - all day, every day - is the result of a subconscious values stack in your head.

Take a minute and go back to the list of bolded words at the top of the post. Now rank them from most important to least important. It seems pretty easy until you try it. Is excellence more important than relationship? It depends, right? In a factory producing cars, I think I want the employees prioritizing excellence. Although I could be convinced that happy employees with great relationships with management probably make fewer errors.

You see, I can value all of those concepts. But, every single day, I am forced to choose which I value more.

You need lunch. You want something healthy. And cheap. And filling. Whether you get a salad or a Big Mac or you go home to eat leftovers will largely be decided by which of your values rises to the top of the stack in that moment.

Or consider this scenario: at the end of a long, exhausting day, a friend reaches out, letting you know they “need to talk.” The implication, obviously, is that this might be a heavy issue that could take awhile. Do you value relationship or authenticity more? Intimacy or honesty?

Because you really have two avenues of response:

Sorry, friend. I’m wiped out and don’t think I can handle it. I wouldn’t be good for me and, frankly, I’m not sure I’d be much good to you.

OR

Sounds like a tough circumstance - I’d love to connect. I’ll call you in a minute.

Your response in that moment depends entirely on your values stack.

What matters to you in a marriage or relationship? Fun, faithfulness, excitement, stability, financial security, sexual intimacy, faith, adventure, child-centered…

Or what about your priorities for a vacation? What are you looking for? Memorable, exclusive, cheap, food-focused, fun, tropical, active, exciting, relaxing, unique, familiar…

Welcome to the heart of conflict. No one would say that an exclusive, five-star vacation is bad. If, however, your greater priority is keeping the cost down, jetting off to Bali may not be your idea of a great holiday. Conflict occurs when one party holds a different value higher in the stack than the other. Expensive and exclusive are enemies of economical - they don’t coexist well.

In a marriage, one partner’s need for fun and adventurous spontaneity might run counter to the other’s preference for stability and financial security. But it’s not that one partner has different values from the other. Everyone likes fun. And everyone likes to have money in the bank. Conflict only occurs when the values land in different spots on the stack.

You get the point.

Which of your values matters more? You are deciding every day.

Values stacking is enormously helpful in relationship counseling, organizational dynamics, and even creating clarity in everyday decision-making.

Do we need a new dishwasher more than we need $600 in our savings account?

Do I take the job opportunity that will force me to relocate or stay put where I am?

Should I run straight to the gate so I don’t miss my plane or straight to the restroom to avoid embarrassment?

The answer to any of these questions is simple. And it all depends on what’s most important to you.

KB

PS - I definitely chose the bathroom. I didn’t want to end up with uromysitisis, after all…