NOTE: This is post 3 of 11 of our current SSLL Book Club series on Tim Keller’s FORGIVE. I’m essentially experimenting with the basic idea that we can read a book “together” in this space (reading schedule here). Each week, we tackle one chapter - I’ll highlight a quote, write a little blurb, and leave some question prompts that you can choose to answer here, on Facebook, or not at all.
“An ethical system in a shame-and-honor culture is a self-regarding and self-actualizing ethic, but an ethical system that draws on Christian beliefs is an “other-regarding” ethic based on a commitment to the good of others for their sake, not yours.”
- Tim Keller
Our modern world breeds self-regard.
By intentional design of the digital age and it’s magical algorithms, you have been made to desire a curated experience, a life made easier, smoother, and more personalized. The world has been moving this way for some time now.
Think about it.
You have Spotify assembling playlists “based on your listening preferences.” You have Netflix recommending certain shows (and adjusting the “covers” of the show) to better match what you have previously consumed. Amazon recommends products it knows people like you want to buy. Google, using every keystroke and previous search you’ve ever made, provides intimate search results tailored to your exact needs. Uber wants to take you exactly where you want to go. Door Dash wants to bring you whatever food you want no matter where you are. And somewhere Mark Zuckerberg is dreaming up a “metaverse” that intends to allow you to create and live in a digital universe built around your desires.
In a world catering to you, is it any surprise that you’d want to exist in a world where your feelings - your emotional needs and desires - take precedence?
We are, to a great degree, quite self-regarding. But we don’t have to be.
Questions
In what way do you find your reaction to personal offense or injustice self-regarding versus other-regarding?
Can you connect your “slowness to forgive” with such a me-first concept?
And what nudges you from self-regarding to others-regarding? Time? Severity of offense? Something else?
You can answer here in the comments or in the Facebook post…
- KB
“When I stop thrashing around and grabbing for what is owed to me, I begin to see the detail and depth in the faces of those around me.”
@April I don’t believe we’ve met (because I think you’re in TX) but thank you for your words here.
What typically nudges me is perspective. What is my transgressor battling through (or the like). I think that perspective comes from the Holy Spirit and we only really notice it when we stop thrashing about or focusing squarely on how we were wronged. Keller talks on pg. 42 about forgiveness and reconciliation entailing sympathy for another’s point of view. We don’t always get clear perspective though. A prayer I’ve found myself praying more and more recently is that God would help me see my transgressors as He sees them.
In considering what nudges me from self-regarding to others-regarding, I've come to the conclusion that this is not something that happens because of my great character, but because of something that transcends earthly expectations. This is my Sunday school answer, but it's also super true. At my core, I know best how to meet my own needs, wants, desires. This idea is endorsed in the modern narrative, especially for women- "Get it, girl." When I stop thrashing around and grabbing for what is owed to me, I begin to see the detail and depth in the faces of those around me. True seeing awakens the love that lives inside of me, and it beats to the rhythm of a different world. I believe in a deep magic. I know this is about explaining the practicalities of forgiveness, but this is beyond understanding. I've had an amazing experience in which I have been forgiven, and it's turned me into a romantic. The nudge is that I'm loved in a ridiculous way, and it's transforming me.